Wednesday, February 16, 2011
No Fear?
I have found myself scared out of my mind. I wake up in the morning and can't get out of bed because I am terrified of what will happen. It's crazy right? I feel like I am taking 10 steps back in my recovery. I know that this is something that is in my mind. I have tried all the positive talk and yet I am still scared. I still have no job and July will be here before I know it. I have to make a decision regarding my future. When I think about my future I stop in my tracks and can't even think. I feel paralyzed. I'm not sure how to make it go away. I am praying and studying more about prayer. I keep thinking that there has to be something more here for me. I have "given" my problems to God but I know that I am taking them back. Can I really trust God to work in my life? Obviously I don't because I'm scared and questioning it. I am in Florida now hoping to find answers. I don't know who I'm kidding. I think I'm trying to convince myself. All I know is I am not patient and that may have something to do with it. I'm scared because I don't have a plan and I'm just living day to day not really sure of what tomorrow will bring. Maybe that's why I don't want to get out of bed or even leave the house. Answers. I need answers. God if ur listening...I'm sending out an SOS. I'm going backwards not forwards. Fear will not hold me. I just need to let God take control and work. Maybe pray harder and fast. Lord, please work on me and teach me.
Friday, February 4, 2011
The Day that Changed Everything
For weeks now, I have been waking up with nightmares. I don't sleep well and I don't eat well. This blog was intended to help me. I brushed around what happened in my first post, but I feel like I need to get it out. This truly was a day that changed my life and has made me stare reality, God and myself in the face and either say yes I am up for the challenge or breakdown again.
It was a Monday in September. SOmething was odd about the day. I woke up and went to the restroom, looked in the mirror and knew that I didn't want to go to work. I wasn't feeling well. I called my manager and let her know that I was sick and would be in the next day. Now, in September, my now ex-husband and I were fighting like cats and dogs. You have to understand the emotional state that I was in before I even woke up that morning.
I felt like it was all my fault. Like the divorce was because of me. He kept telling me if I had only changed, or if I had only done this or that then it never would have happened. He was miserable in the marriage. I wanted the divorce, I asked for it. It was my fault that he was hurting, that I was hurting. I have suffered from depression for a long time, but this was a new low. It was all I could do to get out of bed in the morning. I didn't sleep, I didn't eat. My self-esteem was at 0 and I hated me.
That was my frame of mind. I hated me. I couldn't stand me. After calling my manager I went back to bed. My bed is my sanctuary. If anything is wrong, I can go there and put the covers over my head and pretend it's really not happening. I received a call from my husband at the time and he was furious. I can't even tell you why. I do remember him telling me that I was broken and could not be fixed, and that it was my fault that he was miserable and how I didn't care. I got off the phone with him and something snapped.
Now I have tried to kill myself before, but there is always a moment of hesitation. I am holding a gun and think...Do I really want blood all over the place? Or I am driving down the road and I think I could just drive off that cliff and noone would miss me, but then I think....no I would probably just be paralyzed and stuck in a wheelchair or a bed witha feeding tube. I have researched drugs to kill me, of course I can't find any. Anyway, my point is, there was always a stopping point. Not today.
I hung up the phone and looked around. I got up, changed the sheets on my bed, without even thinking of consequences, grabbed every bottle of medicine I had, went to the kitchen grabbed a bottle of Jack Daniels, wrote a note to my ex husband that read, you're right it is all my fault. I then proceeded to take so many pills of different kinds, I can't even tell you what they were or how many. I chased them down with Jack Daniels.
While I was still lucid, I ran a bath, went to the kitchen and grabbed a knife, just a short one but sharp. I hurt so bad emotionally, that physical pain meant nothing. I got into the bathtub and went to try to slit my wrist. Somewhere in there I passed out. I was hoping to drown. I didn't even think about the consequences, not one time. It was all one fluid movement. One step to the next.
One of my friends had a key to my apartment. SHe tried and tried to call me, but of course I never answered the phone. So for some reason, she ended up at my apartment. I remember her standing over me while I was in the bathtub yelling my name. I am not sure what happened from there. I know she got me dressed and to the hospital.
It was a blur, I was passing in and out of consciousness. I didn't know where I was or who I was probably. They kept me there that night and the next night, on suicide watch. I refused to eat, I cried the entire 2 days and gave the nursing staff one heck of a time. I didn't think I needed to be there. My doctor wouldn't let me go of my own free will so the wonderful State of SC admitted me to a mental hospital for 4 days. My friend that found me, stuck by me, my brother flew up here to make sure I was ok. I almost died and I didn't think anything of it except, Why in the heck did she have to find me!
Looking back now, I tear up when I see me moving flawlessly from motion to motion trying to take the very breath that God gave me. How egotistical of me to think that I am God and I can take my life, when it's not even mine. This is the life that God gave me. I dedicated it to him many years ago. I have often said that I am a cat with nine lives. God just won't let me go. There has to be a reason for that.
“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to
me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the
education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than
what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance,
giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home. The
remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will
embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact
that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only
thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I
am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it.
And so it is with you... we are in charge of our Attitudes.” Charles Swindoll, author
He is right. Our attitude has everything to do with it. Mine was at rock bottom. But looking back, I had to go through it. I cannot change what happened on that September day or the days that followed, but I can move on. With the Lord on my side, I can do anything, including working on my attitude and trust me, he has done wonders!
Signing off for now. If you find yourself in a situation such as this, please get help. I was later told that the most selfish thing you can do is to take your own life, because you are taking yourself away from those that love you. You may not think anyone loves you ( I sure didn't), but trust me, someone depends on you to bring a smile to their face everyday. You are important and so am I! Jesus loves me and he loves you too. Be strong.
Tammy
It was a Monday in September. SOmething was odd about the day. I woke up and went to the restroom, looked in the mirror and knew that I didn't want to go to work. I wasn't feeling well. I called my manager and let her know that I was sick and would be in the next day. Now, in September, my now ex-husband and I were fighting like cats and dogs. You have to understand the emotional state that I was in before I even woke up that morning.
I felt like it was all my fault. Like the divorce was because of me. He kept telling me if I had only changed, or if I had only done this or that then it never would have happened. He was miserable in the marriage. I wanted the divorce, I asked for it. It was my fault that he was hurting, that I was hurting. I have suffered from depression for a long time, but this was a new low. It was all I could do to get out of bed in the morning. I didn't sleep, I didn't eat. My self-esteem was at 0 and I hated me.
That was my frame of mind. I hated me. I couldn't stand me. After calling my manager I went back to bed. My bed is my sanctuary. If anything is wrong, I can go there and put the covers over my head and pretend it's really not happening. I received a call from my husband at the time and he was furious. I can't even tell you why. I do remember him telling me that I was broken and could not be fixed, and that it was my fault that he was miserable and how I didn't care. I got off the phone with him and something snapped.
Now I have tried to kill myself before, but there is always a moment of hesitation. I am holding a gun and think...Do I really want blood all over the place? Or I am driving down the road and I think I could just drive off that cliff and noone would miss me, but then I think....no I would probably just be paralyzed and stuck in a wheelchair or a bed witha feeding tube. I have researched drugs to kill me, of course I can't find any. Anyway, my point is, there was always a stopping point. Not today.
I hung up the phone and looked around. I got up, changed the sheets on my bed, without even thinking of consequences, grabbed every bottle of medicine I had, went to the kitchen grabbed a bottle of Jack Daniels, wrote a note to my ex husband that read, you're right it is all my fault. I then proceeded to take so many pills of different kinds, I can't even tell you what they were or how many. I chased them down with Jack Daniels.
While I was still lucid, I ran a bath, went to the kitchen and grabbed a knife, just a short one but sharp. I hurt so bad emotionally, that physical pain meant nothing. I got into the bathtub and went to try to slit my wrist. Somewhere in there I passed out. I was hoping to drown. I didn't even think about the consequences, not one time. It was all one fluid movement. One step to the next.
One of my friends had a key to my apartment. SHe tried and tried to call me, but of course I never answered the phone. So for some reason, she ended up at my apartment. I remember her standing over me while I was in the bathtub yelling my name. I am not sure what happened from there. I know she got me dressed and to the hospital.
It was a blur, I was passing in and out of consciousness. I didn't know where I was or who I was probably. They kept me there that night and the next night, on suicide watch. I refused to eat, I cried the entire 2 days and gave the nursing staff one heck of a time. I didn't think I needed to be there. My doctor wouldn't let me go of my own free will so the wonderful State of SC admitted me to a mental hospital for 4 days. My friend that found me, stuck by me, my brother flew up here to make sure I was ok. I almost died and I didn't think anything of it except, Why in the heck did she have to find me!
Looking back now, I tear up when I see me moving flawlessly from motion to motion trying to take the very breath that God gave me. How egotistical of me to think that I am God and I can take my life, when it's not even mine. This is the life that God gave me. I dedicated it to him many years ago. I have often said that I am a cat with nine lives. God just won't let me go. There has to be a reason for that.
“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the
education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than
what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance,
giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home. The
remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will
embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact
that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only
thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I
am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it.
And so it is with you... we are in charge of our Attitudes.” Charles Swindoll, author
He is right. Our attitude has everything to do with it. Mine was at rock bottom. But looking back, I had to go through it. I cannot change what happened on that September day or the days that followed, but I can move on. With the Lord on my side, I can do anything, including working on my attitude and trust me, he has done wonders!
Signing off for now. If you find yourself in a situation such as this, please get help. I was later told that the most selfish thing you can do is to take your own life, because you are taking yourself away from those that love you. You may not think anyone loves you ( I sure didn't), but trust me, someone depends on you to bring a smile to their face everyday. You are important and so am I! Jesus loves me and he loves you too. Be strong.
Tammy
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
The "Friend"
Ok, so while my ex was getting it on with his live in girlfriend, I found a "friend". I made the mistake of falling in love with him. He knew how I felt, I made it clear. He made it clear that since I was not divorced fully that nothing more would happen. Well, I guess he felt guilty or something because something more did become. I became his "girlfriend" and I told him that I loved him and he said it back. How happy was I? Extrememly.
He has his own ex issues, not my place to blog about them, but lets just say that it is an issue with me. I feel as if I pushed him in a relationship. He never says Good night, kisses me good night, acts excited to see me when I come to his house, and rarely comes to mine. The day of my divorce, I thought he would be so happy. I text him and told him that I am officially Tammy M Mauldin. His response: Yay! You go girl. Have a good day. He never called me after that. Instead of spending the day with me knowing that I can be all his, he went out to dinner with his mother.
He is the elusive guy. I absolutely love him, but know that it is not returned. I keep saying that I should just end things and let him go back to his ex.
“Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang
up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will
stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead,
who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your
hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup
on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky his
is to have you.... The one who turns to his friends and says, 'that's
her.'”
That quote says everything I want and nothing that he is. What do i do? It's just not so easy to walk away and he is not the best communicator. Ugh!
He has his own ex issues, not my place to blog about them, but lets just say that it is an issue with me. I feel as if I pushed him in a relationship. He never says Good night, kisses me good night, acts excited to see me when I come to his house, and rarely comes to mine. The day of my divorce, I thought he would be so happy. I text him and told him that I am officially Tammy M Mauldin. His response: Yay! You go girl. Have a good day. He never called me after that. Instead of spending the day with me knowing that I can be all his, he went out to dinner with his mother.
He is the elusive guy. I absolutely love him, but know that it is not returned. I keep saying that I should just end things and let him go back to his ex.
“Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will
stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead,
who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your
hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup
on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky his
is to have you.... The one who turns to his friends and says, 'that's
her.'”
That quote says everything I want and nothing that he is. What do i do? It's just not so easy to walk away and he is not the best communicator. Ugh!
The Love of my Life
I married the love of my life. I graduated high school and fell right into his arms. He was a regular in the grocery store where I worked and finally one day asked me out. I was estatc because I had always thought he was sexy. We dated for 6 months and even though I ran over his puppy (not a good memory, I think I was more upset), we were then married. We honeymooned in St. Augustine, Fl. and I remember thinking, this was totally a mistake.
So we met in April, engaged in September and married in October. By April of the next year, I was pregnant with my first child. I was 18. I did not want a child. I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy and could not love him more. This is when I suffered through 2 years of post partum depression. Our marriage was stressed. He did kiss another girl and came close going further shortly into our marriage.
I stayed busy and was never home. We eventually moved to South Carolina to get me away from being so involved. Well, that worked for about a week. It turns out I need people. He doesn't. We grew apart, began to fight constantly and I was never home. I stayed out at all hours and began to party. He wasn't happy and we decided to divorce.
He found a girlfriend and moved her into the house and I moved into an apartment. I found a "friend" and was miserable. I was so upset that he just moved on and replaced me. My "friend" is a whole other blog...lol....
Well, the divorce is final and I feel as if I have been to a funeral. I do miss him, but I know that I could not be with him. We actually get along better as friends than we did married. His girlfriend is fianlly gone by the force of the police....a whole other blog.....They are still friends though. Go figure.
I have so many mixed emotions right now. I love him and it would be so easy to go back. He has asked me back. My financial situation is NOT getting better thanks to president obama. Another 6 to 8 weeks with NO money. He swears that he will help me out. I am scared. It is like I am 30 years old and have no plan. I am suppose to have a plan, a family, a career and all that stuff by now. so what is wrong with me?
I am growing in Christ and trying to find my way. My ex called me the other night in tears telling me how much he missed me. I just felt like I didn't want to be here. If I am hurting people this bad then why am I here? I could go on and on with the questions....
“If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they
don't, they never were.”
I have to find a way to seperate the marriage from the friendship. I love him and never want to lose him in my life. 12 years of marriage is a lot to throw away.
So, Ben, I love you, you are and will always be my best friend. I feel honored to have you in my life. Through everything we have been through, you still have a special place in my heart. Much love.
So we met in April, engaged in September and married in October. By April of the next year, I was pregnant with my first child. I was 18. I did not want a child. I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy and could not love him more. This is when I suffered through 2 years of post partum depression. Our marriage was stressed. He did kiss another girl and came close going further shortly into our marriage.
I stayed busy and was never home. We eventually moved to South Carolina to get me away from being so involved. Well, that worked for about a week. It turns out I need people. He doesn't. We grew apart, began to fight constantly and I was never home. I stayed out at all hours and began to party. He wasn't happy and we decided to divorce.
He found a girlfriend and moved her into the house and I moved into an apartment. I found a "friend" and was miserable. I was so upset that he just moved on and replaced me. My "friend" is a whole other blog...lol....
Well, the divorce is final and I feel as if I have been to a funeral. I do miss him, but I know that I could not be with him. We actually get along better as friends than we did married. His girlfriend is fianlly gone by the force of the police....a whole other blog.....They are still friends though. Go figure.
I have so many mixed emotions right now. I love him and it would be so easy to go back. He has asked me back. My financial situation is NOT getting better thanks to president obama. Another 6 to 8 weeks with NO money. He swears that he will help me out. I am scared. It is like I am 30 years old and have no plan. I am suppose to have a plan, a family, a career and all that stuff by now. so what is wrong with me?
I am growing in Christ and trying to find my way. My ex called me the other night in tears telling me how much he missed me. I just felt like I didn't want to be here. If I am hurting people this bad then why am I here? I could go on and on with the questions....
“If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they
don't, they never were.”
I have to find a way to seperate the marriage from the friendship. I love him and never want to lose him in my life. 12 years of marriage is a lot to throw away.
So, Ben, I love you, you are and will always be my best friend. I feel honored to have you in my life. Through everything we have been through, you still have a special place in my heart. Much love.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)