The Love of my Life

I married the love of my life.  I graduated high school and fell right into his arms.  He was a regular in the grocery store where I worked and finally one day asked me out.  I was estatc because I had always thought he was sexy.  We dated for 6 months and even though I ran over his puppy (not a good memory, I think I was more upset), we were then married.  We honeymooned in St. Augustine, Fl. and I remember thinking, this was totally a mistake.

So we met in April, engaged in September and married in October.  By April of the next year, I was pregnant with my first child.  I was 18.  I did not want a child.  I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy and could not love him more.  This is when I suffered through 2 years of post partum depression.  Our marriage was stressed. He did kiss another girl and came close going further shortly into our marriage. 

I stayed busy and was never home.  We eventually moved to South Carolina to get me away from being so involved.  Well, that worked for about a week.  It turns out I need people.  He doesn't.  We grew apart, began to fight constantly and I was never home.  I stayed out at all hours and began to party.  He wasn't happy and we decided to divorce. 

He found a girlfriend and moved her into the house and I moved into an apartment.  I found a "friend" and was miserable.  I was so upset that he just moved on and replaced me.  My "friend" is a whole other blog...lol....

Well, the divorce is final and I feel as if I have been to a funeral.  I do miss him, but I know that I could not be with him.  We actually get along better as friends than we did married.  His girlfriend is fianlly gone by the force of the police....a whole other blog.....They are still friends though.  Go figure.

I have so many mixed emotions right now.  I love him and it would be so easy to go back.  He has asked me back.  My financial situation is NOT getting better thanks to president obama.  Another 6 to 8 weeks with NO money.  He swears that he will help me out.  I am scared.  It is like I am 30 years old and have no plan.  I am suppose to have a plan, a family, a career and all that stuff by now.  so what is wrong with me?

I am growing in Christ and trying to find my way.  My ex called me the other night in tears telling me how much he missed me.  I just felt like I didn't want to be here.  If I am hurting people this bad then why am I here?  I could go on and on with the questions....

“If  you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they
don't, they never were.”

I have to find a way to seperate the marriage from the friendship.  I love him and never want to lose him in my life.  12 years of marriage is a lot to throw away. 

So, Ben, I love you, you are and will always be my best friend.  I feel honored to have you in my life.  Through everything we have been through, you still have a special place in my heart.  Much love.