Wednesday, February 16, 2011
No Fear?
I have found myself scared out of my mind. I wake up in the morning and can't get out of bed because I am terrified of what will happen. It's crazy right? I feel like I am taking 10 steps back in my recovery. I know that this is something that is in my mind. I have tried all the positive talk and yet I am still scared. I still have no job and July will be here before I know it. I have to make a decision regarding my future. When I think about my future I stop in my tracks and can't even think. I feel paralyzed. I'm not sure how to make it go away. I am praying and studying more about prayer. I keep thinking that there has to be something more here for me. I have "given" my problems to God but I know that I am taking them back. Can I really trust God to work in my life? Obviously I don't because I'm scared and questioning it. I am in Florida now hoping to find answers. I don't know who I'm kidding. I think I'm trying to convince myself. All I know is I am not patient and that may have something to do with it. I'm scared because I don't have a plan and I'm just living day to day not really sure of what tomorrow will bring. Maybe that's why I don't want to get out of bed or even leave the house. Answers. I need answers. God if ur listening...I'm sending out an SOS. I'm going backwards not forwards. Fear will not hold me. I just need to let God take control and work. Maybe pray harder and fast. Lord, please work on me and teach me.
Friday, February 4, 2011
The Day that Changed Everything
For weeks now, I have been waking up with nightmares. I don't sleep well and I don't eat well. This blog was intended to help me. I brushed around what happened in my first post, but I feel like I need to get it out. This truly was a day that changed my life and has made me stare reality, God and myself in the face and either say yes I am up for the challenge or breakdown again.
It was a Monday in September. SOmething was odd about the day. I woke up and went to the restroom, looked in the mirror and knew that I didn't want to go to work. I wasn't feeling well. I called my manager and let her know that I was sick and would be in the next day. Now, in September, my now ex-husband and I were fighting like cats and dogs. You have to understand the emotional state that I was in before I even woke up that morning.
I felt like it was all my fault. Like the divorce was because of me. He kept telling me if I had only changed, or if I had only done this or that then it never would have happened. He was miserable in the marriage. I wanted the divorce, I asked for it. It was my fault that he was hurting, that I was hurting. I have suffered from depression for a long time, but this was a new low. It was all I could do to get out of bed in the morning. I didn't sleep, I didn't eat. My self-esteem was at 0 and I hated me.
That was my frame of mind. I hated me. I couldn't stand me. After calling my manager I went back to bed. My bed is my sanctuary. If anything is wrong, I can go there and put the covers over my head and pretend it's really not happening. I received a call from my husband at the time and he was furious. I can't even tell you why. I do remember him telling me that I was broken and could not be fixed, and that it was my fault that he was miserable and how I didn't care. I got off the phone with him and something snapped.
Now I have tried to kill myself before, but there is always a moment of hesitation. I am holding a gun and think...Do I really want blood all over the place? Or I am driving down the road and I think I could just drive off that cliff and noone would miss me, but then I think....no I would probably just be paralyzed and stuck in a wheelchair or a bed witha feeding tube. I have researched drugs to kill me, of course I can't find any. Anyway, my point is, there was always a stopping point. Not today.
I hung up the phone and looked around. I got up, changed the sheets on my bed, without even thinking of consequences, grabbed every bottle of medicine I had, went to the kitchen grabbed a bottle of Jack Daniels, wrote a note to my ex husband that read, you're right it is all my fault. I then proceeded to take so many pills of different kinds, I can't even tell you what they were or how many. I chased them down with Jack Daniels.
While I was still lucid, I ran a bath, went to the kitchen and grabbed a knife, just a short one but sharp. I hurt so bad emotionally, that physical pain meant nothing. I got into the bathtub and went to try to slit my wrist. Somewhere in there I passed out. I was hoping to drown. I didn't even think about the consequences, not one time. It was all one fluid movement. One step to the next.
One of my friends had a key to my apartment. SHe tried and tried to call me, but of course I never answered the phone. So for some reason, she ended up at my apartment. I remember her standing over me while I was in the bathtub yelling my name. I am not sure what happened from there. I know she got me dressed and to the hospital.
It was a blur, I was passing in and out of consciousness. I didn't know where I was or who I was probably. They kept me there that night and the next night, on suicide watch. I refused to eat, I cried the entire 2 days and gave the nursing staff one heck of a time. I didn't think I needed to be there. My doctor wouldn't let me go of my own free will so the wonderful State of SC admitted me to a mental hospital for 4 days. My friend that found me, stuck by me, my brother flew up here to make sure I was ok. I almost died and I didn't think anything of it except, Why in the heck did she have to find me!
Looking back now, I tear up when I see me moving flawlessly from motion to motion trying to take the very breath that God gave me. How egotistical of me to think that I am God and I can take my life, when it's not even mine. This is the life that God gave me. I dedicated it to him many years ago. I have often said that I am a cat with nine lives. God just won't let me go. There has to be a reason for that.
“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to
me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the
education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than
what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance,
giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home. The
remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will
embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact
that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only
thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I
am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it.
And so it is with you... we are in charge of our Attitudes.” Charles Swindoll, author
He is right. Our attitude has everything to do with it. Mine was at rock bottom. But looking back, I had to go through it. I cannot change what happened on that September day or the days that followed, but I can move on. With the Lord on my side, I can do anything, including working on my attitude and trust me, he has done wonders!
Signing off for now. If you find yourself in a situation such as this, please get help. I was later told that the most selfish thing you can do is to take your own life, because you are taking yourself away from those that love you. You may not think anyone loves you ( I sure didn't), but trust me, someone depends on you to bring a smile to their face everyday. You are important and so am I! Jesus loves me and he loves you too. Be strong.
Tammy
It was a Monday in September. SOmething was odd about the day. I woke up and went to the restroom, looked in the mirror and knew that I didn't want to go to work. I wasn't feeling well. I called my manager and let her know that I was sick and would be in the next day. Now, in September, my now ex-husband and I were fighting like cats and dogs. You have to understand the emotional state that I was in before I even woke up that morning.
I felt like it was all my fault. Like the divorce was because of me. He kept telling me if I had only changed, or if I had only done this or that then it never would have happened. He was miserable in the marriage. I wanted the divorce, I asked for it. It was my fault that he was hurting, that I was hurting. I have suffered from depression for a long time, but this was a new low. It was all I could do to get out of bed in the morning. I didn't sleep, I didn't eat. My self-esteem was at 0 and I hated me.
That was my frame of mind. I hated me. I couldn't stand me. After calling my manager I went back to bed. My bed is my sanctuary. If anything is wrong, I can go there and put the covers over my head and pretend it's really not happening. I received a call from my husband at the time and he was furious. I can't even tell you why. I do remember him telling me that I was broken and could not be fixed, and that it was my fault that he was miserable and how I didn't care. I got off the phone with him and something snapped.
Now I have tried to kill myself before, but there is always a moment of hesitation. I am holding a gun and think...Do I really want blood all over the place? Or I am driving down the road and I think I could just drive off that cliff and noone would miss me, but then I think....no I would probably just be paralyzed and stuck in a wheelchair or a bed witha feeding tube. I have researched drugs to kill me, of course I can't find any. Anyway, my point is, there was always a stopping point. Not today.
I hung up the phone and looked around. I got up, changed the sheets on my bed, without even thinking of consequences, grabbed every bottle of medicine I had, went to the kitchen grabbed a bottle of Jack Daniels, wrote a note to my ex husband that read, you're right it is all my fault. I then proceeded to take so many pills of different kinds, I can't even tell you what they were or how many. I chased them down with Jack Daniels.
While I was still lucid, I ran a bath, went to the kitchen and grabbed a knife, just a short one but sharp. I hurt so bad emotionally, that physical pain meant nothing. I got into the bathtub and went to try to slit my wrist. Somewhere in there I passed out. I was hoping to drown. I didn't even think about the consequences, not one time. It was all one fluid movement. One step to the next.
One of my friends had a key to my apartment. SHe tried and tried to call me, but of course I never answered the phone. So for some reason, she ended up at my apartment. I remember her standing over me while I was in the bathtub yelling my name. I am not sure what happened from there. I know she got me dressed and to the hospital.
It was a blur, I was passing in and out of consciousness. I didn't know where I was or who I was probably. They kept me there that night and the next night, on suicide watch. I refused to eat, I cried the entire 2 days and gave the nursing staff one heck of a time. I didn't think I needed to be there. My doctor wouldn't let me go of my own free will so the wonderful State of SC admitted me to a mental hospital for 4 days. My friend that found me, stuck by me, my brother flew up here to make sure I was ok. I almost died and I didn't think anything of it except, Why in the heck did she have to find me!
Looking back now, I tear up when I see me moving flawlessly from motion to motion trying to take the very breath that God gave me. How egotistical of me to think that I am God and I can take my life, when it's not even mine. This is the life that God gave me. I dedicated it to him many years ago. I have often said that I am a cat with nine lives. God just won't let me go. There has to be a reason for that.
“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the
education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than
what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance,
giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home. The
remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will
embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact
that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only
thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I
am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it.
And so it is with you... we are in charge of our Attitudes.” Charles Swindoll, author
He is right. Our attitude has everything to do with it. Mine was at rock bottom. But looking back, I had to go through it. I cannot change what happened on that September day or the days that followed, but I can move on. With the Lord on my side, I can do anything, including working on my attitude and trust me, he has done wonders!
Signing off for now. If you find yourself in a situation such as this, please get help. I was later told that the most selfish thing you can do is to take your own life, because you are taking yourself away from those that love you. You may not think anyone loves you ( I sure didn't), but trust me, someone depends on you to bring a smile to their face everyday. You are important and so am I! Jesus loves me and he loves you too. Be strong.
Tammy
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
The "Friend"
Ok, so while my ex was getting it on with his live in girlfriend, I found a "friend". I made the mistake of falling in love with him. He knew how I felt, I made it clear. He made it clear that since I was not divorced fully that nothing more would happen. Well, I guess he felt guilty or something because something more did become. I became his "girlfriend" and I told him that I loved him and he said it back. How happy was I? Extrememly.
He has his own ex issues, not my place to blog about them, but lets just say that it is an issue with me. I feel as if I pushed him in a relationship. He never says Good night, kisses me good night, acts excited to see me when I come to his house, and rarely comes to mine. The day of my divorce, I thought he would be so happy. I text him and told him that I am officially Tammy M Mauldin. His response: Yay! You go girl. Have a good day. He never called me after that. Instead of spending the day with me knowing that I can be all his, he went out to dinner with his mother.
He is the elusive guy. I absolutely love him, but know that it is not returned. I keep saying that I should just end things and let him go back to his ex.
“Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang
up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will
stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead,
who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your
hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup
on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky his
is to have you.... The one who turns to his friends and says, 'that's
her.'”
That quote says everything I want and nothing that he is. What do i do? It's just not so easy to walk away and he is not the best communicator. Ugh!
He has his own ex issues, not my place to blog about them, but lets just say that it is an issue with me. I feel as if I pushed him in a relationship. He never says Good night, kisses me good night, acts excited to see me when I come to his house, and rarely comes to mine. The day of my divorce, I thought he would be so happy. I text him and told him that I am officially Tammy M Mauldin. His response: Yay! You go girl. Have a good day. He never called me after that. Instead of spending the day with me knowing that I can be all his, he went out to dinner with his mother.
He is the elusive guy. I absolutely love him, but know that it is not returned. I keep saying that I should just end things and let him go back to his ex.
“Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will
stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead,
who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your
hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup
on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky his
is to have you.... The one who turns to his friends and says, 'that's
her.'”
That quote says everything I want and nothing that he is. What do i do? It's just not so easy to walk away and he is not the best communicator. Ugh!
The Love of my Life
I married the love of my life. I graduated high school and fell right into his arms. He was a regular in the grocery store where I worked and finally one day asked me out. I was estatc because I had always thought he was sexy. We dated for 6 months and even though I ran over his puppy (not a good memory, I think I was more upset), we were then married. We honeymooned in St. Augustine, Fl. and I remember thinking, this was totally a mistake.
So we met in April, engaged in September and married in October. By April of the next year, I was pregnant with my first child. I was 18. I did not want a child. I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy and could not love him more. This is when I suffered through 2 years of post partum depression. Our marriage was stressed. He did kiss another girl and came close going further shortly into our marriage.
I stayed busy and was never home. We eventually moved to South Carolina to get me away from being so involved. Well, that worked for about a week. It turns out I need people. He doesn't. We grew apart, began to fight constantly and I was never home. I stayed out at all hours and began to party. He wasn't happy and we decided to divorce.
He found a girlfriend and moved her into the house and I moved into an apartment. I found a "friend" and was miserable. I was so upset that he just moved on and replaced me. My "friend" is a whole other blog...lol....
Well, the divorce is final and I feel as if I have been to a funeral. I do miss him, but I know that I could not be with him. We actually get along better as friends than we did married. His girlfriend is fianlly gone by the force of the police....a whole other blog.....They are still friends though. Go figure.
I have so many mixed emotions right now. I love him and it would be so easy to go back. He has asked me back. My financial situation is NOT getting better thanks to president obama. Another 6 to 8 weeks with NO money. He swears that he will help me out. I am scared. It is like I am 30 years old and have no plan. I am suppose to have a plan, a family, a career and all that stuff by now. so what is wrong with me?
I am growing in Christ and trying to find my way. My ex called me the other night in tears telling me how much he missed me. I just felt like I didn't want to be here. If I am hurting people this bad then why am I here? I could go on and on with the questions....
“If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they
don't, they never were.”
I have to find a way to seperate the marriage from the friendship. I love him and never want to lose him in my life. 12 years of marriage is a lot to throw away.
So, Ben, I love you, you are and will always be my best friend. I feel honored to have you in my life. Through everything we have been through, you still have a special place in my heart. Much love.
So we met in April, engaged in September and married in October. By April of the next year, I was pregnant with my first child. I was 18. I did not want a child. I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy and could not love him more. This is when I suffered through 2 years of post partum depression. Our marriage was stressed. He did kiss another girl and came close going further shortly into our marriage.
I stayed busy and was never home. We eventually moved to South Carolina to get me away from being so involved. Well, that worked for about a week. It turns out I need people. He doesn't. We grew apart, began to fight constantly and I was never home. I stayed out at all hours and began to party. He wasn't happy and we decided to divorce.
He found a girlfriend and moved her into the house and I moved into an apartment. I found a "friend" and was miserable. I was so upset that he just moved on and replaced me. My "friend" is a whole other blog...lol....
Well, the divorce is final and I feel as if I have been to a funeral. I do miss him, but I know that I could not be with him. We actually get along better as friends than we did married. His girlfriend is fianlly gone by the force of the police....a whole other blog.....They are still friends though. Go figure.
I have so many mixed emotions right now. I love him and it would be so easy to go back. He has asked me back. My financial situation is NOT getting better thanks to president obama. Another 6 to 8 weeks with NO money. He swears that he will help me out. I am scared. It is like I am 30 years old and have no plan. I am suppose to have a plan, a family, a career and all that stuff by now. so what is wrong with me?
I am growing in Christ and trying to find my way. My ex called me the other night in tears telling me how much he missed me. I just felt like I didn't want to be here. If I am hurting people this bad then why am I here? I could go on and on with the questions....
“If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they
don't, they never were.”
I have to find a way to seperate the marriage from the friendship. I love him and never want to lose him in my life. 12 years of marriage is a lot to throw away.
So, Ben, I love you, you are and will always be my best friend. I feel honored to have you in my life. Through everything we have been through, you still have a special place in my heart. Much love.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Hard decisions
Last week I had to make a very hard decision that has really broken my heart. I have been involved with colorguard (ok, for those who don't know what that is, it's the people on the field with the marching band waving flags around) since 1995. I did it for 3 years in high school, 1 year at UF (yuck- War Eagle), and have taught ever since. I had a great band director and flag instructor who always encouraged and inspired me. My band director, John Henry, one of the greatest band directors in Florida, passed away in 2005. My memories of him are fond. I remember he alwys wore a straw hat on the marching field and always had a megaphone. He would yell at the guard because we didn't know where we were going on the marching field (which I am convinced is taught to every band director to do this...lol).
My most memorable moment was in concert band. We were playing "On a Hymn Song of Phillip Bliss" ( I think that was the name of it? ). Anyway, we sucked. We were a concert band of 100+ and we were totally messing this song up. Mr Henry stopped us and then told us that this was his favorite hymn (It is Well With my Soul). He then explained how the song was written and why. At this moment I can't remember either, but I have a book that explains it ...I will add that to this post at some point. I think everyone in the band took a step back because he told the story with such conviction. That day, it became my favorite hymn too.
The next year, we marched it on the marching field and it was such an experience. He had the band form a cross and forward march it with the colorguard as rays coming out from the cross. We always got a standing ovation.
After marching my 1 year with UF I came back to Williston to help my flag instructor with choreography. I then took a year off due to pregnancy, but after that I waas ready to go. I took a position with a school about 30 miles away and yes a rival to my alma mater. I learned a lot in the two years I was there. I then received the honor to teach at my alma mater, Williston High School, under the direction of John Henry.
I was there for 2 years. The last 2 years that Mr. Henry was there as well. I remember asking him after one of the contest that we performed in, why we couldn't do a themed show. Marching band styles were beginning to change. His answer: We've always gotten superiors, why fix what's not broken. I said ok and smiled because a typical John Henry show went like this: A spanish opener with a follow the leader, a catchy song that you may recognize- but always standing still, and then a closer that was slow and had a company front. But it worked, you couldn't argue with him.
The last year I was there he came up to me and said we're doing It is Well with my soul for the rest of the season. Ok, as an instructor you are like WHAT!!!!! I have to rechoreograph and reteach to 20 girls a whole new song! But I smiled because I knew it was his favorite and it was mine too. I also think he knew that soemthing was wrong with him physically, he had been sick. So we changed songs and I get goose bumps thinking about it. I am so glad that he got to do that song one last time and I helped.
So, then I move to SC and Mr. Henry has been diagnosed with cancer. I cried. My mentor and my teacher had just received a life sentence. It was spreading and was bad. He finaly passed away not too much longer after I received word. At his funeral, the band played "It is Well with my Soul".
I took some time to reflect upon my guard status. I didn't know any of the directors and the one director I knew had his wife handling the guard. Then one day a band parent told me that he had quit and a new band director was there. I immediately called her and set up a meeting. I loved those 7 kids from the time I said hello. The band director reminded me a lot of Mr. henry, but was more open to chnage. I was totally excited. We literally started with nothing. Maybe 13 horns, a percussion line and 7 guard members. But I was so proud of that entire band. I was also sad at the same time, because they told me they had never received a standing ovation. We did great that year in both marching ( and they did recieve a standing ovation ) and Winterguard. The next year I came on board again, except, I was preoccupied with the divorce and changing jobs and moving. It was crazy, but My 7 went to 16. And the band grew up too. We had to take 2 busses to away games!
I love my students and the band students. They are all so special because they are so talented. Every time I watched them perform, I was blown away. My best memories are with guard. Guard to me is a family. I was always the mother and they were sisters and brother. I lived for that band becuase I was there from the beginning and saw where we came from. It's only going to get better too.
But, due to my financial constraints, I had to back out of winterguard this year. I was so excited about it. I practically had the show written in my head, but I couldn't afford the gas to get there and home so I had to quit. I am totally broken hearted and feel like I let a lot of people down, mostly my students and band director. I am hoping that by marching season, things wil have changed and my situation will be much better. Enough for them to accept me again and give me another chance.
As I have posted before, God closes some doors for a reason. I just hope this is one he reopens.
Thank you John Henry, Sharon Holcomb, and Leslie Phillips for the impact that you have had on my life. You will never know how much you have meant.
My most memorable moment was in concert band. We were playing "On a Hymn Song of Phillip Bliss" ( I think that was the name of it? ). Anyway, we sucked. We were a concert band of 100+ and we were totally messing this song up. Mr Henry stopped us and then told us that this was his favorite hymn (It is Well With my Soul). He then explained how the song was written and why. At this moment I can't remember either, but I have a book that explains it ...I will add that to this post at some point. I think everyone in the band took a step back because he told the story with such conviction. That day, it became my favorite hymn too.
The next year, we marched it on the marching field and it was such an experience. He had the band form a cross and forward march it with the colorguard as rays coming out from the cross. We always got a standing ovation.
After marching my 1 year with UF I came back to Williston to help my flag instructor with choreography. I then took a year off due to pregnancy, but after that I waas ready to go. I took a position with a school about 30 miles away and yes a rival to my alma mater. I learned a lot in the two years I was there. I then received the honor to teach at my alma mater, Williston High School, under the direction of John Henry.
I was there for 2 years. The last 2 years that Mr. Henry was there as well. I remember asking him after one of the contest that we performed in, why we couldn't do a themed show. Marching band styles were beginning to change. His answer: We've always gotten superiors, why fix what's not broken. I said ok and smiled because a typical John Henry show went like this: A spanish opener with a follow the leader, a catchy song that you may recognize- but always standing still, and then a closer that was slow and had a company front. But it worked, you couldn't argue with him.
The last year I was there he came up to me and said we're doing It is Well with my soul for the rest of the season. Ok, as an instructor you are like WHAT!!!!! I have to rechoreograph and reteach to 20 girls a whole new song! But I smiled because I knew it was his favorite and it was mine too. I also think he knew that soemthing was wrong with him physically, he had been sick. So we changed songs and I get goose bumps thinking about it. I am so glad that he got to do that song one last time and I helped.
So, then I move to SC and Mr. Henry has been diagnosed with cancer. I cried. My mentor and my teacher had just received a life sentence. It was spreading and was bad. He finaly passed away not too much longer after I received word. At his funeral, the band played "It is Well with my Soul".
I took some time to reflect upon my guard status. I didn't know any of the directors and the one director I knew had his wife handling the guard. Then one day a band parent told me that he had quit and a new band director was there. I immediately called her and set up a meeting. I loved those 7 kids from the time I said hello. The band director reminded me a lot of Mr. henry, but was more open to chnage. I was totally excited. We literally started with nothing. Maybe 13 horns, a percussion line and 7 guard members. But I was so proud of that entire band. I was also sad at the same time, because they told me they had never received a standing ovation. We did great that year in both marching ( and they did recieve a standing ovation ) and Winterguard. The next year I came on board again, except, I was preoccupied with the divorce and changing jobs and moving. It was crazy, but My 7 went to 16. And the band grew up too. We had to take 2 busses to away games!
I love my students and the band students. They are all so special because they are so talented. Every time I watched them perform, I was blown away. My best memories are with guard. Guard to me is a family. I was always the mother and they were sisters and brother. I lived for that band becuase I was there from the beginning and saw where we came from. It's only going to get better too.
But, due to my financial constraints, I had to back out of winterguard this year. I was so excited about it. I practically had the show written in my head, but I couldn't afford the gas to get there and home so I had to quit. I am totally broken hearted and feel like I let a lot of people down, mostly my students and band director. I am hoping that by marching season, things wil have changed and my situation will be much better. Enough for them to accept me again and give me another chance.
As I have posted before, God closes some doors for a reason. I just hope this is one he reopens.
Thank you John Henry, Sharon Holcomb, and Leslie Phillips for the impact that you have had on my life. You will never know how much you have meant.
January 24, 2011
Saturday, January 15, 2011
January 13, 2011
Today I woke up feeling better. I keep telling myself that things are going to get better. I am in a slump and learning a lot about the disorder (which I will tell you all about in the following days). It is amazing to me that I have had these symptoms for most of my life. I can almost remember the day I noticed something different. I was a Senior in high school and my step mother had passed away very unexpectantly. I had always treated her mean and never apologized. I was so selfish that I couldn't see that she made my dad happy. It's guilt that I carry to this day. Today was pretty boring. The snow has cancelled school all week so that means practice has been canceled all week for winterguard, which means we are so far behind it's not even funny. I love teaching the kids. They are like all my kids.
As far as my love life goes, I am so confused. I am love, but don't feel that he reciprocates the same feelings. I am sabotaging the relatioship just like everything else. It makes me absolutely hate. It is so frustrating because this is something I am suppose to be working on. I am trying to learn to love myself and learn who I am. I have made small steps. I can accept a compliment and say thank you. Before I would shrug it off and say whatever or say what I could have done better. Another thing is whenever I was asked what my favorite part of my body was I would say my eyes (which I do love because they are almost black), but I can say I love my hips! My hips, the part of the body I always hated is now my favorite. Maybe I am finally growing to love my physical self. Hey, we have somewhat of a start in the right direction.
Tonight, I learned ro quickstep. Poor guy, I made him learn it with me. We actually did pretty good and it sounds like we may do more lessons. Till next time.....
Tammy
As far as my love life goes, I am so confused. I am love, but don't feel that he reciprocates the same feelings. I am sabotaging the relatioship just like everything else. It makes me absolutely hate. It is so frustrating because this is something I am suppose to be working on. I am trying to learn to love myself and learn who I am. I have made small steps. I can accept a compliment and say thank you. Before I would shrug it off and say whatever or say what I could have done better. Another thing is whenever I was asked what my favorite part of my body was I would say my eyes (which I do love because they are almost black), but I can say I love my hips! My hips, the part of the body I always hated is now my favorite. Maybe I am finally growing to love my physical self. Hey, we have somewhat of a start in the right direction.
Tonight, I learned ro quickstep. Poor guy, I made him learn it with me. We actually did pretty good and it sounds like we may do more lessons. Till next time.....
Tammy
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