January 24, 2011

ok, so this everyday blogging is really hard.  I have had my internet disconenected since I lost my job and cannot make it to a computer with internet everyday so, my 365 days maybe a little bit longer :)  But there is progress to be told!
Last time we "blogged", I was in Virginia.Well, I made it back in one piece with my boyfriend not too angry at me.  I know that he was trying to get me away from my situation here and I so love that about him.  His brother and him paid for everything for me while I was there.  He truly does have a great family.  I had a revelation on the way back though.  For years, I have not loved myself.  I just existed, never really anything special about me.  Then I thought, wow, how selfish that I can't love myself.  Remember I did say that religon had been a big part of my life.  Jesus, died for me because he loved me.  What a slap in the face to him to say hey, Jesus I hate me, but thanks for all you have done (which right now is not a lot it seems).  I went to church and it wsa like he was preaching at me about how God loves people.  I have this Beth Moore set of prayer cards and the one for the 22nd was:  How I thank you Lord, becuase you can turn a curse into a blessing for me because you are Lord, MY God and YOU LOVE ME.  (not sure what verse it is, sorry).  I immediately thought of the song we all learn as a child Jesus loves me.  I began to sing it and believed it.  I must have repeated that verse 50 times that night, but how true it is.  God can turn a curse into a blessing.  My curse right now, is that I don't have a job.  Why, I don't know.  But God does.
That same day (the 22nd), I picked up a book called Becoming.  It has the wisdom books of the old testament in it.  The first book in it was Job.  Imagine that.  So I thought, well me and Job have a lot in common, let's read about old Job.  I made it to chapter 7 and had to stop because I was overwhelmed.  Job had some words for god that I have said time after time after time.  I believe it was in chapter 5 (and this is a summation) he questioned why those that search for death never find it.  They look for it like it's treasure, yet it never comes to them.  I stopped after reading that and said yep, that was me the other night.  That has been me.  Praying that I wouldn't wake up.  That my misery would be taken away from me and others.  I have felt that misery is all I provide.  But then in the last verse of that section, he says that God has hidden the road from them.  Why do you think he would hide the road from them?
Well, the next day, my DVR decided to spontaneously record Joel Osteen.  Now he is ok, but his smile bothers me.  It seems fake, but that is my opinion.  He is a man of great faith and I had no idea what I was in for when I turned the show on.  If you have ever heard the comedy of Ron White where he talks about being naked eating cheetos, then you can believe me when I say it was that kind of moment.  It was all that I needed to hear to validate everything that I had been hearing and reading.  He spoke about how some doors are closed for good reason.  We don't see it then, but God has a predestined path for our lives.  We need to believe and hold on to that, because there is an open door that God is standing there waiting for us to see.  Sometimes, we should be thankful for those closed doors.  Right now, my closed door is I have no job (have I said that enough, lol), but God has a predetermined path for my life.
All that said, I sing to myself Jesus Loves Me every morning, thank God for all the blessings that I have, and yes, thank him for the closed doors, because I know that my path is for greatness.  As many times as I have tried to take my life and almost been successful on many occassions, he has to have something wonderful in store for me.  I won't be selfish anymore, Jesus loves me, and that is enough for me to love me too.  Flaws and everything.  I am a work in progress (kind of like that song He's still working on me- have you noticed that the songs we learned when we were little make so much more sense than some of the stuff out now- KISS people...keep it simple...lol)
So this week, I am singing, memorizing more scripture and will set my DVR up for Joel Osteen :)  I will begin to love me for me because that is who God made me.  I feel liberated and free to be able to say it.  Believing it is the hard part.  I am working on it.
I have been working out.  My therapist says exercise is the best medicine and so I have traveled to the gym at my apt complex and have endured the treadmill.  My boyfriend and everybody else says I look almost anorexic, but I am far from that.  So, keeping up with the treadmill thing and working out will also be a physical goal of mine.
Thanks for reading if you have.  May God Bless you and may you realize that he loves you flaws and everything.  Thank God for the closed doors in your life that you can see or even the ones now, because only great things are going to happen!  signing off for now...
Tammy