Hard decisions

Last week I had to make a very hard decision that has really broken my heart.  I have been involved with colorguard (ok, for those who don't know what that is, it's the people on the field with the marching band waving flags around) since 1995.  I did it for 3 years in high school, 1 year at UF (yuck- War Eagle), and have taught ever since.  I had a great band director and flag instructor who always encouraged and inspired me.  My band director, John Henry, one of the greatest band directors in Florida, passed away in 2005.  My memories of him are fond.  I remember he alwys wore a straw hat on the marching field and always had a megaphone.  He would yell at the guard because we didn't know where we were going on the marching field (which I am convinced is taught to every band director to do this...lol). 


My most memorable moment was in concert band.  We were playing "On a Hymn Song of Phillip Bliss" ( I think that was the name of it? ).  Anyway, we sucked.  We were a concert band of 100+ and we were totally messing this song up.  Mr Henry stopped us and then told us that this was his favorite hymn (It is Well With my Soul).  He then explained how the song was written and why.  At this moment I can't remember either, but I have a book that explains it ...I will add that to this post at some point.  I think everyone in the band took a step back because he told the story with such conviction.  That day, it became my favorite hymn too. 

The next year, we marched it on the marching field and it was such an experience.  He had the band form a cross and forward march it with the colorguard as rays coming out from the cross.  We always got a standing ovation. 

After marching my 1 year with UF I came back to Williston to help my flag instructor with choreography.  I then took a year off due to pregnancy, but after that I waas ready to go.  I took a position with a school about 30 miles away and yes a rival to my alma mater.  I  learned a lot in the two years I was there.  I then received the honor to teach at my alma mater, Williston High School, under the direction of John Henry.

I was there for 2 years.  The last 2 years that Mr. Henry was there as well.  I remember asking him after one of the contest that we performed in, why we couldn't do a themed show.  Marching band styles were beginning to change.  His answer: We've always gotten superiors, why fix what's not broken.  I said ok and smiled because a typical John Henry show went like this: A spanish opener with a follow the leader, a catchy song that you may recognize- but always standing still, and then a closer that was slow and had a company front.  But it worked, you couldn't argue with him. 

The last year I was there he came up to me and said we're doing It is Well with my soul for the rest of the season.  Ok, as an instructor you are like WHAT!!!!!  I have to rechoreograph and reteach to 20 girls a whole new song!  But I smiled because I knew it was his favorite and it was mine too.  I also think he knew that soemthing was wrong with him physically, he had been sick.  So we changed songs and I get goose bumps thinking about it.  I am so glad that he got to do that song one last time and I helped.

So, then I move to SC and Mr. Henry has been diagnosed with cancer.  I cried.  My mentor and my teacher had just received a life sentence.  It was spreading and was bad.  He finaly passed away not too much longer after I received word.  At his funeral, the band played "It is Well with my Soul". 

I took some time to reflect upon my guard status.  I didn't know any of the directors and the one director I knew had his wife handling the guard.  Then one day a band parent told me that he had quit and a new band director was there.  I immediately called her and set up a meeting.  I loved those 7 kids from the time I said hello.  The band director reminded me a lot of Mr. henry, but was more open to chnage.  I was totally excited.  We literally started with nothing.  Maybe 13 horns, a percussion line and 7 guard members.  But I was so proud of that entire band.  I was also sad at the same time, because they told me they had never received a standing ovation.  We did great that year in both marching ( and they did recieve a standing ovation ) and Winterguard.  The next year I came on board again, except, I was preoccupied with the divorce and changing jobs and moving.  It was crazy, but My 7 went to 16.  And the band grew up too.  We had to take 2 busses to away games!

I love my students and the band students.  They are all so special because they are so talented.  Every time I watched them perform, I was blown away.  My best memories are with guard.  Guard to me is a family.  I was always the mother and they were sisters and brother.  I lived for that band becuase I was there from the beginning and saw where we came from.  It's only going to get better too.

But, due to my financial constraints, I had to back out of winterguard this year.  I was so excited about it.  I practically had the show written in my head, but I couldn't afford the gas to get there and home so I had to quit.  I am totally broken hearted and feel like I let a lot of people down, mostly my students and band director.  I am hoping that by marching season, things wil have changed and my situation will be much better.  Enough for them to accept me again and give me another chance. 

As I have posted before, God closes some doors for a reason.  I just hope this is one he reopens.

Thank you John Henry, Sharon Holcomb, and Leslie Phillips for the impact that you have had on my life.  You will never know how much you have meant.

January 24, 2011

ok, so this everyday blogging is really hard.  I have had my internet disconenected since I lost my job and cannot make it to a computer with internet everyday so, my 365 days maybe a little bit longer :)  But there is progress to be told!
Last time we "blogged", I was in Virginia.Well, I made it back in one piece with my boyfriend not too angry at me.  I know that he was trying to get me away from my situation here and I so love that about him.  His brother and him paid for everything for me while I was there.  He truly does have a great family.  I had a revelation on the way back though.  For years, I have not loved myself.  I just existed, never really anything special about me.  Then I thought, wow, how selfish that I can't love myself.  Remember I did say that religon had been a big part of my life.  Jesus, died for me because he loved me.  What a slap in the face to him to say hey, Jesus I hate me, but thanks for all you have done (which right now is not a lot it seems).  I went to church and it wsa like he was preaching at me about how God loves people.  I have this Beth Moore set of prayer cards and the one for the 22nd was:  How I thank you Lord, becuase you can turn a curse into a blessing for me because you are Lord, MY God and YOU LOVE ME.  (not sure what verse it is, sorry).  I immediately thought of the song we all learn as a child Jesus loves me.  I began to sing it and believed it.  I must have repeated that verse 50 times that night, but how true it is.  God can turn a curse into a blessing.  My curse right now, is that I don't have a job.  Why, I don't know.  But God does.
That same day (the 22nd), I picked up a book called Becoming.  It has the wisdom books of the old testament in it.  The first book in it was Job.  Imagine that.  So I thought, well me and Job have a lot in common, let's read about old Job.  I made it to chapter 7 and had to stop because I was overwhelmed.  Job had some words for god that I have said time after time after time.  I believe it was in chapter 5 (and this is a summation) he questioned why those that search for death never find it.  They look for it like it's treasure, yet it never comes to them.  I stopped after reading that and said yep, that was me the other night.  That has been me.  Praying that I wouldn't wake up.  That my misery would be taken away from me and others.  I have felt that misery is all I provide.  But then in the last verse of that section, he says that God has hidden the road from them.  Why do you think he would hide the road from them?
Well, the next day, my DVR decided to spontaneously record Joel Osteen.  Now he is ok, but his smile bothers me.  It seems fake, but that is my opinion.  He is a man of great faith and I had no idea what I was in for when I turned the show on.  If you have ever heard the comedy of Ron White where he talks about being naked eating cheetos, then you can believe me when I say it was that kind of moment.  It was all that I needed to hear to validate everything that I had been hearing and reading.  He spoke about how some doors are closed for good reason.  We don't see it then, but God has a predestined path for our lives.  We need to believe and hold on to that, because there is an open door that God is standing there waiting for us to see.  Sometimes, we should be thankful for those closed doors.  Right now, my closed door is I have no job (have I said that enough, lol), but God has a predetermined path for my life.
All that said, I sing to myself Jesus Loves Me every morning, thank God for all the blessings that I have, and yes, thank him for the closed doors, because I know that my path is for greatness.  As many times as I have tried to take my life and almost been successful on many occassions, he has to have something wonderful in store for me.  I won't be selfish anymore, Jesus loves me, and that is enough for me to love me too.  Flaws and everything.  I am a work in progress (kind of like that song He's still working on me- have you noticed that the songs we learned when we were little make so much more sense than some of the stuff out now- KISS people...keep it simple...lol)
So this week, I am singing, memorizing more scripture and will set my DVR up for Joel Osteen :)  I will begin to love me for me because that is who God made me.  I feel liberated and free to be able to say it.  Believing it is the hard part.  I am working on it.
I have been working out.  My therapist says exercise is the best medicine and so I have traveled to the gym at my apt complex and have endured the treadmill.  My boyfriend and everybody else says I look almost anorexic, but I am far from that.  So, keeping up with the treadmill thing and working out will also be a physical goal of mine.
Thanks for reading if you have.  May God Bless you and may you realize that he loves you flaws and everything.  Thank God for the closed doors in your life that you can see or even the ones now, because only great things are going to happen!  signing off for now...
Tammy

January 13, 2011

Today I woke up feeling better.  I keep telling myself that things are going to get better. I am in a slump and learning a lot about the disorder (which I will tell you all about in the following days).  It is amazing to me that I have had these symptoms for most of my life.  I can almost remember the day I noticed something different.  I was a Senior in high school and my step mother had passed away very unexpectantly.  I had always treated her mean and never apologized.  I was so selfish that I couldn't see that she made my dad happy.  It's guilt that I carry to this day.  Today was pretty boring.  The snow has cancelled school all week so that means practice has been canceled all week for winterguard, which means we are so far behind it's not even funny.  I love teaching the kids.  They are like all my kids. 
As far as my love life goes, I am so confused.  I am love, but don't feel that he reciprocates the same feelings.  I am sabotaging the relatioship just like everything else.  It makes me absolutely hate.  It is so frustrating because this is something I am suppose to be working on.  I am trying to learn to love myself and learn who I am.  I have made small steps.  I can accept a compliment and say thank you.  Before I would shrug it off and say whatever or say what I could have done better.  Another thing is whenever I was asked what my favorite part of my body was I would say my eyes (which I do love because they are almost black), but I can say I love my hips!  My hips, the part of the body I always hated is now my favorite.  Maybe I am finally growing to love my physical self.  Hey, we have somewhat of a start in the right direction.
Tonight, I learned ro quickstep.  Poor guy, I made him learn it with me.  We actually did pretty good and it sounds like we may do more lessons.  Till next time.....

Tammy

January 15, 2011

Not much to write today.  The morning started out rough.  I woke up at 3:30 and couldn't go back to sleep, so I been thinking about what I wanted in a relationship.  I thought about what I deserved, because I am special (there's that positive talk..lol).  It was 2 pages long front and back.  The trip to Virginia was stressful.  My boyfriend was in a bad mood.  When I started to talk about my list from 3:30 he let me know that we were not serious.  WOW...ok...how do I take that.  My day was totally shot.  That is part of the disorder.  So I distracted myself and just stayed quiet.  Before we went to bed last night he asked me what was wrong and I told him.  He said he didn't mean it the way I thought.  He was so sweet to me after that.  I was so tired today.  signing off for now

Tammy

January 14, 2011

So, I received a phone call from the Unemployment office they tell me that I have to go down there in person and refile.  Quick recap:  I was fired on Dec. 16 nd filed for unemployment on the 17th.  I was suppose to have a phone interview on 1-10-11.  Well they had called and cancelled because they did not contact the right employer.  They told me I had to refile my claim.  So I go online and refile.  Then today I get the call.  Now my interview is not until 2-1-11 and I won't receive a check for about a month if my file is approved.  I don't know what I am going to do for money.  I have 10.00 in my wallet that I am saving for gas.  That is literally all that I have.  What do people think that we are suppose to live off of when you are unemployed?  I have been putting in applications online and picked one up locally, but I am at a loss.  There are so many decisions to make.  Do I want to stay here close to my son and take a chance on love with a guy that I have doubts?  He treats me good.  He just doesn't meet the criteria for my "perfect guy".  I just wish that I knew what he was going through his mind.   Or do i want to go to Florida where there is a guy that is in love with me and I know would take care of me.
I had a relapse tonight.  The stress got to me.  I ended up cutting myself, taking shots of Patron and taking way too many pills.  I just didn't want to wake up.  I prayed so hard for God to take me.  It is amazing though how good friends seem to contact you in the exact time.  They made me feel better and offered me help.  Not sure that I would take it.  I have some options to look at next week for assistance.
As I was about to pass out, my boyfriend called me and told me to pack because we were going to Virginia to see his brother.  i was flattered that he wanted me to go, but driving in my state was risky, but I did it anyway.
I also called my family in Alabama and told them what was going on.  There's nothing they can do to help.  I have done this to myself.  I just am lost.

January 13, 2011

January 12, 2011

As I sit here and try to write this blog, I feel totally unmotivated.  I am not sure what to write.  I know how I feel.  I am SOOOOO glad that Auburn won the National Championship.  I am a huge Auburn fan,  I have been for as long as I can remember.  When I woke up this morning, that was the only good thing I could think of.  Sorry it is so short today, but I am really drained.  Till Tomorrow

Tammy

January 11, 2011

    Ok,so I  am new to this blogging thing, but I feel the need to get my feelings out into the open so that maybe just maybe someone else can identify with them.  I will quickly give you a run down about me and then go into what I want this blog to become. 
    Both my mother and father have passed away. My mother when I was 9, my father when I was 22. I am 30 years old.  I have lost both sets of grandparents and really have no family to speak of.  I have 2 cousins that I love dearly, Dale and Nicole.  I have lost a brother and a step mother, both when I was in high school in the 90's.  I was married at 18 and had a son at 19. I suffered through post partum depression for 2 years.  I was living in Florida at the time and once my dad died, I saw no reason to stay.  So my husband, my son and I moved to South Carolina.  The middle of nowhere South Carolina. And I do mean nowhere.  LOL.  In 2005 I had open heart surgery to replace an aortic valve that had a tumor. It was benign, thank God. I seperated from my husband legally in 2010,got a new job at a bank in Seneca and then tried to kill myself by taking a verylarge overdose of drugs that I can't even begin to tell you what they were. I spent 2 days in the hospital and 4 very miserable days in a behavioral health clinic.  Trust me that will make youthink about your life and put it into perspective.  Most recently, I was fired from my job because I missed 12 days of work due to my medical mishap even though it was formally notated.
     So as I write this, I find myself, unemployed, almost divorced, broke as heck,and not a friend in the world I can count on.  I was raised in a religous home and I feel that maybe now might be the time to go back to church. It sure can't hurt.
     My purpose for this blog is to chronicle my everyday life.  My feelings, my emotions, everything.  I have always had a problem.  My psychiatrist believes it to be borderline personality disorder.  It's amazing the more I read about it, the more I know that it what has tormented me my entire life.  From the bulimia, to the spending splurges,to the hopeless feelings, to the suicide attempts and more.  I knew after doing research that this was it. 
     I have comet to a place in my life where I need to get better for me and my son.  I have a new relationship and I can already see me sabotaging it, just like all the others.  The time is now to change.
     So, I consider myself a procrastinator.  I know that things need to get done, but I have noone to hold me accountable.  Noone may read this blog, but I am pretending like there are.  I want to try for 365 days to see if I can keep to my list of things to do for the day, while making progress toward my treatment.  I won't beable to post everyday to this blog, but I will be keeping a journal on my computer.  My hope is to at the end, have a book so that others can see that it can be done.  I need to prove this to myself. 
     Maybe you have something to prove to you or someone you love.  I love quotes.  I went to a website tonight and found one that made me think of a friend that I have pushed away.  I'd like to share it with you as I close:
"Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down." Annonomous
This quote spoke to me because I have done it so many times and gotten hurt when people didn't care enoughto break through my walls.  Well,enough is enough.  The walls are coming down and I can't wait to see where this journey takes me and any of my followers. Thanks for reading if you have.  Till next time.
Tammy