January 11, 2011

    Ok,so I  am new to this blogging thing, but I feel the need to get my feelings out into the open so that maybe just maybe someone else can identify with them.  I will quickly give you a run down about me and then go into what I want this blog to become. 
    Both my mother and father have passed away. My mother when I was 9, my father when I was 22. I am 30 years old.  I have lost both sets of grandparents and really have no family to speak of.  I have 2 cousins that I love dearly, Dale and Nicole.  I have lost a brother and a step mother, both when I was in high school in the 90's.  I was married at 18 and had a son at 19. I suffered through post partum depression for 2 years.  I was living in Florida at the time and once my dad died, I saw no reason to stay.  So my husband, my son and I moved to South Carolina.  The middle of nowhere South Carolina. And I do mean nowhere.  LOL.  In 2005 I had open heart surgery to replace an aortic valve that had a tumor. It was benign, thank God. I seperated from my husband legally in 2010,got a new job at a bank in Seneca and then tried to kill myself by taking a verylarge overdose of drugs that I can't even begin to tell you what they were. I spent 2 days in the hospital and 4 very miserable days in a behavioral health clinic.  Trust me that will make youthink about your life and put it into perspective.  Most recently, I was fired from my job because I missed 12 days of work due to my medical mishap even though it was formally notated.
     So as I write this, I find myself, unemployed, almost divorced, broke as heck,and not a friend in the world I can count on.  I was raised in a religous home and I feel that maybe now might be the time to go back to church. It sure can't hurt.
     My purpose for this blog is to chronicle my everyday life.  My feelings, my emotions, everything.  I have always had a problem.  My psychiatrist believes it to be borderline personality disorder.  It's amazing the more I read about it, the more I know that it what has tormented me my entire life.  From the bulimia, to the spending splurges,to the hopeless feelings, to the suicide attempts and more.  I knew after doing research that this was it. 
     I have comet to a place in my life where I need to get better for me and my son.  I have a new relationship and I can already see me sabotaging it, just like all the others.  The time is now to change.
     So, I consider myself a procrastinator.  I know that things need to get done, but I have noone to hold me accountable.  Noone may read this blog, but I am pretending like there are.  I want to try for 365 days to see if I can keep to my list of things to do for the day, while making progress toward my treatment.  I won't beable to post everyday to this blog, but I will be keeping a journal on my computer.  My hope is to at the end, have a book so that others can see that it can be done.  I need to prove this to myself. 
     Maybe you have something to prove to you or someone you love.  I love quotes.  I went to a website tonight and found one that made me think of a friend that I have pushed away.  I'd like to share it with you as I close:
"Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down." Annonomous
This quote spoke to me because I have done it so many times and gotten hurt when people didn't care enoughto break through my walls.  Well,enough is enough.  The walls are coming down and I can't wait to see where this journey takes me and any of my followers. Thanks for reading if you have.  Till next time.
Tammy